Has Masculinity Gone Soft?
Updated: Aug 30, 2020
If Hollywood teenage heartthrobs are anything to go by, does the recent obsession with Timothée Chalamet and Harry Styles signify the rise of ‘soft masculinity’?
In conversation with each other, about the changing nature of masculinity, Styles asks Chalamet, whether as an actor he feels responsible to push this change. Timothée confesses, “I think there’s something to be written about this by someone way smarter than I am...”[1] O’ Timmy, stop it! But I mean, if you insist, I’ll give it a try… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Those who conform to soft masculinity, are more commonly known as ‘soft boys.’ Vogue regards Chalamet as the “poster boy of soft boy style.”[2] The soft boy is an aesthetic as well as a demeanour. In essence, they are “someone who subverts the expectations of masculinity and claims traits that are traditionally coded as feminine.”[3] K-pop has certainly played a role in normalising soft masculinity, as such, a 2018 Global Data report found that three-quarters of South Korean men receive beauty treatments at least once per week.[4]
‘Soft’, a New York male skin care brand has tapped into this new form of masculinity, its tagline stating, “skincare doesn’t have to be hard.”[5] Chief Operating Officer, James O’Dwyer states, “Soft has traditionally been used as an insult, almost, for not fitting within the blueprint of traditional masculinity […] We really want to embrace that word and kind of flip it on its head, because soft is really a positive thing […] It’s about being vulnerable and sensitive and in touch with your emotions […] And really just being comfortable with who you are.” Asked what celebrity they would want to use their product, they of course said, “Timothée Chalamet - he’s the ultimate Soft guy (in our opinion).”[6]
The definition of masculinity in a society indicates what qualities that society deems makes a man. This is because gender is the set of social and psychological characteristics that a society considers proper for its males and females. Consequently, the meaning of ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ have changed considerably through the ages, across societies and cultures.
As Yuval Noah Harari demonstrates in Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind:
Whilst, some argue that this is rooted in biological difference of the sexes, cognitive neuroscientist, Gina Rippon dispels this myth, as conclusive findings about sex-linked brain differences have failed to materialize. Instead Rippon argues, “a gendered world will produce a gendered brain,” as we are socialised into these rigid gender roles from the moment we’re born.[7] Thus, affirming Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s notion that “There is no female mind. The brain is not an organ of sex. Might as well speak of a female liver.”[8]
Talcott Parsons argued that boys and girls are socialized to take on traits that are complementary to each other, in order to maintain stable, productive family units. A successful family needs people to have complementary skill sets, and gender gives us a way of pairing off these skills. Boys are taught 'instrumental qualities', such as confidence and competitiveness, that prepare them for the labour force. Whilst, girls are taught 'expressive qualities', like empathy and sensitivity, which prepare them to care for their families. [8]
Society encourages conformity to these gender roles by making people feel that they have to fit these moulds if they want to be romantically desirable. On top of that, we’re also taught to marginalise those who fail to conform to these gender norms, which deters people from doing so. [8]
Therefore, the soft boy whom displays these expressive qualities, such as, empathy and sensitivity, deemed to be in the domain of girls, is bending gender norms. The very fact that rather than being rejected, soft boys are being revered, as Timothée Chalamet is the “internet’s boyfriend”,[9] indicates that times are changing.
So-called ‘traditional masculinity is otherwise known as ‘patriarchal masculinity’ in Western societies. He’s strong, stoic, straight. The bread-winner - he’s not afraid of gluten. R.W. Connell defines ‘hegemonic masculinity’ as the current, most honoured way of being a man in a society. Consequently, it requires all other men to position themselves in relation to it despite the fact that few may actually obtain it. It also acts to ideologically legitimate the global subordination of women to men. [10]
In common parlance hegemonic masculinity is often understood as the ‘alpha male.’ This pop psychological term holds that men that are deemed as ‘alphas’ are the leaders of the pack. The alpha is the wolf that procreates with his female mates, as the beta males, the runts of the pack, chase their tale.
Yet, the term has actually been discredited by the very wildlife biologist who coined it, L. David Mech. He found that instead of an alpha hierarchy, wolves have a familial hierarchy. He was simply observing a family of wolves, the alphas being mum and dad.
In addition, for our closer relatives, chimps, the most aggressive male doesn’t always become the leader. Smaller, more mild-mannered ‘beta’ males can actually become dominant by doing favours and grooming other chimps.
More importantly, human societies are much more complicated than those that exist in the natural world, as unlike chimps, human social hierarchies are constantly changing, as in different situations one's dominance changes. [11]
Therefore, we should retire the idea of ‘alpha’ and ‘beta’ males. This pseudo-scientific concept prevents the forging of a new masculinity to take place. As it leads people to believe, the notion that men should be dominant leaders, is not an idea constructed by a patriarchal society, but rather, part of the biology of male homo sapiens.
It has also devalued the men who are not deemed as ‘alphas,’ the poor, poor beta male. In fact, the qualities associated with the beta male, such as emotional vulnerability, are the very qualities we need to value.
If we forego this idea of the alpha male hierarchy, which stresses that men have to be domineering, and assertive, the leaders of the pack, the household; the world, there would be less pressure put on men, and perhaps we would have a more equal society.
Terry Kupers describes toxic masculinity as "the need to aggressively compete and dominate others." The term serves to outline aspects of hegemonic masculinity that are socially destructive, "such as misogyny, homophobia, greed, and violent domination."[12] Toxic masculinity has been brought to the forefront in recent years due to the Me Too Movement which on a global level exposed the sexual violence and harassment typically inflicted onto women by men which has been normalised.
In addition, #MenAreTrash and #MasculinitySoFragile has created a culture in which people have started to criticise traditional masculine traits they deem as toxic.[13] The razor company, Gillette ‘We Believe: The Best Men Can Be” (2019) advert centred on toxic masculinity. It starts with the brand's slogan, "The Best a Man Can Get", and questions "is this the best a man can get?" [14]
Arguably the rise of the soft boy can be attributed to the criticism of toxic masculinity. Connell states, “When the conditions for the defence of patriarchy change, the bases for the dominance of a particular masculinity are eroded.”[15] Therefore, hybrid masculinities arise. These refer to the selective incorporation of qualities typically associated with subordinated masculinities and femininities into privileged men’s gender identities.[16]
Demetriou suggests that what makes hegemonic masculinities so powerful is their ability to adapt. He states, it incorporates “what appears pragmatically useful and constructive for the project of domination at a particular historical moment.” He cites the heterosexual male adoption of “bits and pieces” of gay male culture.[16] As such, social hierarchies are fortified in ‘softer’ ways.
As Johnson states, “Perhaps the most efficient way to keep patriarchy going is to promote the idea that it doesn’t exist… Or, if it does exist, it’s by reputation only, a shadow of its former self that no longer amounts to much in people’s lives.” [16]
In fact, the original use of the term ‘soft boy’ referred to men who used their femininity and emotional vulnerability to draw in women. A common understanding was that a soft boy was “a wolf in ‘soft’ clothing.” [17] As dating advice YouTuber, Shallon Lester dramatically states, “Men are like any virus, they adapt, and they learn to feed off their host in different ways, and when they first adapt and pop up on the scene, we have no natural immunity to them – and that’s what soft boys are like.”[17] This seems to affirm that hybrid masculinities do not challenge the existing social inequalities, but merely present the illusion that they have. Even Timothée Chalamet portrayed a soft boy of this kind in Lady Bird (2017).
As the discussion of toxic masculinity has given rise to a genuine soft masculinity, there has been a pushback. They argue there is a crisis of masculinity, in which men have been demonised and emasculated. For instance, the Gillette advert became one of the most disliked videos on YouTube, with a 2:1 dislike ratio and over 1.5 million dislikes, and sparking a boycott.[18] As Piers Morgan iterated “the implication from that video is that most men are pretty awful people – we’re toxic.” And so, “masculine men have to be driven out of society because being masculine is evil – EVIL!”[19]
Likewise, the Chinese state-media Xinhua has slammed the portrayal of soft boys, or as they called them, “sissy pants.” They argued it was having an adverse impact on teenagers and the future of the nation. [20] In response, a former schoolteacher in Beijing founded the Real Man Training Club to turn teenage boys into the “alpha males,” they fear the country is losing. [21]
However, the sense of a ‘crisis of masculinity’ has arisen from a sense of lost power, as marginalised groups such as women and the LGBTQ+ community have gained power. For instance, a similar sentiment of a crisis of masculinity was felt in late-20th-century America, as Susan Fauldi argues, “[men] felt that changes in the valuation and nature of work, as well as competition with women for jobs, robbed them of the pride in being providers.”[22] As during the Second Wave of Feminism writers such as Betty Friedan described a suburban housewife’s life as like living in a “comfortable concentration camp.”[23] This expressed how middle-class white women wanted to be their own breadwinners. In response, the mythopoetic men’s movement arose which aimed to reconnect men to their “male energy,” to reconcile a new identity that wasn't around being the sole provider. [24]
That being said, one could argue that there is a ‘crisis of masculinity,’ given that in the UK men account for 76 per cent of all suicides.[25] The American Psychological Association has warned that "traditional masculinity ideology," is associated with negative effects on mental and physical health. For instance, masculine ‘ideals’ such as emotional repression and the pressure to conform to expectations of dominance and aggression, may heighten the potential for boys to engage in violence, as anger is their only 'acceptable' outlet. [26]
Therefore, bell hooks argues that “The crisis facing men is not the crisis of masculinity, it is the crisis of patriarchal masculinity. Until, we make this distinction clear, men will continue to fear that any critique of patriarchy represents a threat.” [22]
Consequently, hooks argues that “ending patriarchy […] is the only resolution of the masculinity crisis that most men are experiencing.” This is because the feminist movement has enabled girls to now “create a sense of self that is distinct from sexist definitions” but “the same freedom has not been extended to boys.” [22] But, by definition, feminism is the belief in social, economic, and political equality of the sexes. [27]
Thus, perhaps a “feminist masculinity,” is the solution. This would be a masculinity that does not generate gender role strain for men and supports gender equality for women. [28] Consequently, masculinity and femininity would be treated as equally valuable, and rather than growing up with a prescription of how to be, one can just be.
This ‘feminist masculinity’ would be challenging to implement given that many men see feminism as anti-male. hooks argues this has been “One of the tremendous failings of feminist theory and practice”, as it has prevented “guidelines and strategies for alternative masculinity and ways of thinking about maleness” to be formed. Visionary feminism however has never been anti-male, but unlike their predecessors it never received the media attention. This has meant that feminism, in the popular imagination, has been equated to ‘an end to manhood.’ [22]
Thus, does the soft boy signify that we are closer to a feminist masculinity? On the one hand, Anderson argues that it does indicate “decreased sexism,” “the erosion of patriarchy” and a decrease in “homohysteria” (fear of being homosexualized). [15]
On the other hand, Messner argues that although “softer” and more “sensitive” styles of masculinity are developing among some privileged groups of men, he calls this “more style than substance.” As this does not necessarily contribute to the emancipation of women; in fact, it might do just the opposite, as Johnson argued previously, “the most efficient way to keep patriarchy going is to promote the idea that it doesn’t exist…” [15]
In the West, the very fact that soft masculinity seems to only be safely afforded to white heterosexual men, indicates how it is only accessible to the privileged members of society. Messner argues that when we view young, straight, white men’s masculinity solely as indicators of a decline in gender and sexual inequality, marginalized groups of men such as, black and ethnic minorities, often end up viewed as playing a greater role in perpetuating inequality [15] – people ask, “why haven’t they changed?”
To conclude, in the words of bell hooks, “Mass media are a powerful vehicle for teaching the art of the possible.” [22] The popularity of the soft boy and K-pop prove that a soft masculinity is possible.
However, if when you read the title of this blog, ‘Has Masculinity Gone Soft?’ and you felt it was an insult to masculinity, we are not there yet. If you felt that the idea of a feminist masculinity is not a viable alternative to traditional masculinity, and you scoffed at the idea of feminism, we are far from there yet.
As ultimately, a feminist masculinity is key. The ‘soft boy’ does not allow us to see how patriarchal structures construct the rigid idea of masculinity. I say a feminist masculinity is what is required, as despite your best efforts to teach your son that he can be vulnerable, as well as strong, that vulnerability is a strength, if he lives in a world where the traditional masculine message is channelled, in school, by his peers, and by the media – he will continue to think “boys don’t cry.”
So, I ask you, what world would you rather live in? One in which you are in constant fear of whether you are proving that you are 'man' enough? Or one without that fear, and you can find out who you actually are?
References
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[2] Yotka, S. (2018). Calling All Softboys: There’s a Tender New Trend in Menswear. [online] Vogue. Available at: https://www.vogue.com/article/softboy-2018-menswear-trend [Accessed 23 May 2020].
[3] Strapagiel, L. (2019). Here’s Everything You Need To Know About The History And Rise Of The “Softboy.” [online] BuzzFeed News. Available at: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/laurenstrapagiel/heres-everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-history-and.
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[17] Lester, S. (2019). HARRY STYLES & TIMOTHEE CHALAMET: How To Tell If He’s A Softboi Or A F**kboy! | Shallon Lester. YouTube. Available at:
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[23] Friedan, B. (1963). The Feminine Mystique. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
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[28] Silverstein, L.B. (2016). Feminist masculinities: The end of gender as we know it. APA handbook of men and masculinities., pp.145–172.